SPIDER (David Cronenberg, 2003)

Reviewed: January 28th, 2003

"Let's take a poll," said a confused man in the crowded elevator filled with Spider screening attendants (post screening). "Who thinks [SPOILER] did [SPOILER] to [SPOILER]?" And such is Spider, Cronenberg's newest, a film that mistakes unreliable narration for interest or insight and is a strong contender for the most boring sub-100 minute film I've seen in the last four years (Spider clocks in at 98 minutes to be precise, but it felt about three times that to me). Weak criticism, you charge? Sorry, but I don't have much else to offer because this movie had absolutely nothing to offer me. Spider is empty and tame and limp and sluggish and criminally unentertaining. Ralph Fiennes wanders around, muttering to himself, as if performing an SNL impersonation of his chilling Tooth Fairy character from Red Dragon. There is no fun to be had, of course, but there is also no emotion, no depth, not even any disturbing psychological impact, despite the schizophrenic lead character. This is an incredibly artificial movie; I wish I could at least write Spider has something interesting to say about self-delusion, but it's too fucking muddled and philistine to do even that.

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