SLIDING DOORS (Peter Howitt, 1998)

Reviewed: April 24th, 2002

Writer/Director of Sliding Doors: Okay this film is about fate and chance and coincidence and missed opportunities and karma and broken dreams...
Studio Executive: Amazing!
Writer/Director: It starts out with a young woman getting fired from her job... so she's depressed, see...
Studio Executive: Wait, why's that?
Writer/Director: Uh... cause she was just fired?
Studio Executive: Oh, right, right.
Writer/Director: Yeah, okay so she's depressed and she gets on the subway to go back home... meanwhile her live-in boyfriend who she supports while he writes his novel is cheating on her...
Studio Executive: Fucking bastard!
Writer/Director: Oh yes, he's a fucking bastard all right... in fact he is the most obnoxious, insufferable character in the history of cinema!
Studio Executive: Fantastic!
Writer/Director: Okay, right so she's going to get on the subway and... sorry! Nice try! The subway doors close!
Studio Executive: Oh no!
Writer/Director: Oh yes!
Studio Executive: Can they close in slow motion?!
Writer/Director: Of course! How else will the audience understand how fucking incredibly fucking important this event was!
Studio Executive: Wait, whaddaya mean?!
Writer/Director: Well... here's the catch... WHAT HAPPENS IF THE DOORS DIDN'T CLOSE?!
Studio Executive: The band The Doors?
Writer/Director: No, no the subway! What happens if they didn't close and the woman gets into the subway!
Studio Executive: Uh... I don't know.
Writer/Director: It'll change the course of this woman's life!
Studio Executive: Oh mama! How?!
Writer/Director: Because that means the woman will get home in time to catch the most insufferable character in the history of cinema cheating on her!
Studio Executive: That's amazing!
Writer/Director: I know it is, but get this... at the same time we'll follow the woman as if she missed the train and thus didn't catch the most insufferable character in the history of cinema cheating on her!
Studio Executive: Oh baby! This is the best idea I've ever heard! What happens in these two parallel storylines?!
Writer/Director: Well... absolutely nothing you fucking idiot! Don't you get it? All I need is this great premise that says volumes about fate and chance and coincidence and missed opportunities and karma and broken dreams! I don't actually need to make the rest of the film remotely interesting! My work here is done!
Studio Executive: Hmmm.
Writer/Director: Did you hear the part about the two separate storylines?!
Studio Executive: Oh yeah!
Writer/Director: So we got a deal here or what?
Studio Executive: Well you don't have to make the two storylines remotely interesting... but could you at least throw in every single lame cliché in the history of film?!
Writer/Director: Of course!
Studio Executive: And the worst dialogue I've ever heard?!
Writer/Director: Absolutely!
Studio Executive: Then we've got a fucking deal, bro.
Writer/Director: Great!
Studio Executive: Wait one other thing...
Writer/Director: Yeah?
Studio Executive: I don't like how a man is playing the most insufferable character in the history of film... could we make him the second most insufferable character in the history of film and give that role to a female character instead?!
Writer/Director: Of course! I will make a female character so horrible and heinous and hideous and repulsive and arrogant and mean and one-dimensional that the audience will have no empathy for her and just want to rip into the screen to tear apart her intestines whenever she's on screen!
Studio Executive: PERFECT!
Writer/Director: Tell me where to sign, baby.

Suffice to say, this is the kind of movie in which, when Gwyneth Paltrow's character gets her loan application approved, first we see the loan application in extreme close up ("Congratulations! Your loan application has been approved.") and then we see each individual key word within the letter cut to in extreme, extreme close up ("Congratulations!" Cut to: "Loan" Cut to: "application" Cut to: "been" Cut to: "approved.").

Sorry, I can't type anymore. There's vomit on my keyboard.

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