PHONE BOOTH (Joel Shoe-Maker, 2003)

Reviewed: April 5th, 2003

Hey you know in Se7en how John Doe kills those people because of their various sins like greed and lust and you know how in With a Friend Like Harry and One Hour Photo creepy people ingratiate themselves with people who don't wanna be friends with them and hurt these people In Order To save them? Hey wouldn't it be awesome if we like combined those ideas and made a movie about a sniper who holds an asshole publicist at gunpoint in a phone booth until he confessed his adultery to the wife whom he really loves so very dearly and until he appreciates that there are good people in this world and you should be nice to them and it's wrong to have your sour heart filled with bile and do nothing but exploit other people. And Wouldn't it be awesome if we could get that Colin Farrell guy to star and nevermind the fact that he will be well nigh unwatchable in this movie, nevermind we could log onto www.amazingcum.com and retrieve a far more convincing performance from one of the girls. And wouldn't it be so fucking awesome if we got Kiefer Sutherland to play the killer dude and we told him Sutherland do your Guy From Scream voice! for the whole movie! That voice is so awesome and so scary! Instead of like getting an actor like say Michael Wincott or something whose voice actually sends shivers down our spines and also this would have been great because then when the twist ending comes and the movie wants you to think this pizza delivery red herring guy is the killer but he doesnt look like Kiefer Sutherland you wouldnt be able to say uh Mr. Policeman dude that Guy Is Not Kiefer Sutherland! something is wrong! cause this problem would be avoided because not many people in the united states know who Michael Wincott is! and wouldn't it be awesome if we ignored the fact that thrillers are the one genre that demands to be rooted in a firm sense of reality, particularly a nearly real-time thriller thats supposed to like take place down the block, wouldnt it be totally awesome if we completely ignored that and started the movie in outer space! and wouldnt it be totally awesome if we ended the movie in outer space! and we used lots of super fast sped up motion shots and zoomed real quick through satellites and electronic boards and had some low-rent Rod Serling voice come on at the beginning and tell us that bad things are gonna happen in a moment and it wouldnt it be so fucking awesome if we used lots and lots of Picture in Picture you know that technique like when you buy a new Trinitron and you can watch Channel 4 while you're watching Channel 2 in a smaller window in the lower right hand corner? yeah it's like a split screen deal and wouldnt it be awesome if we constantly used that? And you know what would be real supercalafraghalistic explialadotious awesome? If we had the whole movie be contingent on this Big Event that takes place in the first third which would have been completely and totally avoided if Colin Farrell had just been smart enough to say hey I could easily appease these Hookers And Their Pimp If I Lent Them My Cell Phone. Yeah that'd be awesome.

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