IRREVERSIBLE (Gaspar Noé, 2003) 53

Reviewed: March 8th, 2003

Yo Noe you little fagot fucker, is this stupid, hollow gimmick of a movie the best you can come up with? This inane backwards tale of revenge that isn't even worthy of sucking the shit out of other non-linear revenge tales like The Limey and Memento's assholes which actually use their non-chronology to make profound statements about things like memory and self deception? I'm sure you're reading this, all self-satisfied about the revulsion you're realizing youve illicited as you've claimed your not gonna stop making movies until one of them is banned, as if that's all that matters anymore, being so risque that you've been outlawed by those conservative fuckwards you shit upon... well suck on this cunt licking swine, how does it make you feel that my opening night New York City 11:50 PM showing of people who were clearly dying to see and embrace your moronic opus burst out laughing after the white flickering bullshit that last stop before you remind us via a big fat title card that time destroys everything as if you hadnt already told us that a few times already, that intense white seisure inducing flickering, your last ditch effort to please, please, PLEASE!!! be viscerally awed by my prowess! all i wanna do is wake you top collar buttoned fuckers from your stupor! look at the white lights!!!!! well we laughed at you Noe. we laughed in your goddamn self-satisfied, smug, pompous face, because the truth is not one gave a shit. they shrugged everyone seeing right through your vacuous efforts. My camera swirls and people get their face bashed in! hows that for an opening grabber?! ...uh, it's actually pretty boring dude. I didn't care because there's no difference between the tripped out, super kinetic emptiness of a Michael Bay movie or a Guy Richie movie and your camera style. its cant see what the fuck is going on sound POUNDS pounds, eh, whatever, plus we get no context since everything goes in reverse and thus you rob yourself of every bit of suspsense. Oh i know. suspense is not what youre after. you just wanna rock our world and make us sit up and pay attention and see your mug smiling off of newspapers spreads, hailed as a new new new wave provocateur. yeah, yeah, yeah. i read that interview in time out new york where you said to put it crassly your movie is about how "shit happens." that it's. Quote, shit happens, end quote. Stop the presses folks! ...........apparently....wait, this is unconfirmed, but stay with us..... apparently bad things happen in this world! that's right, i repeat, according to world renowned filmmaker Gaspar Noe, we have been informed that bad things are known to happen and there's.... oh fuck, there's just nothing you can do about it! no, no we dont have any more information yet. he doesnt want to tell us anything else about how may we rise above the bad shit or sometimes good can come out of bad shit or or or, ya know.... nah just sit through 10 minutes of belluci being anally raped (during which-----get this you cum drinking pig fucker, I became kinda bored! is that your comment? are you gonna say thats horrible jared society has become so desensitived that people dont even flinch at anal rapings in films!!! anymore.. cuz i mean thats just no right, there have been rape scenes 1/100000 the length of yours that have shook me the right the hell onto the floor. but no, not youre endless dah dah tick tick tick tick indigo goes on on my watch how mcuh longer is this sucker gonna last zzzzzzz rape scene. ive seen enough movies to know when emotion is real and deserved and true or when im being jacked off by a juevnile froggie who thinks hes all that.

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Yes, my pseudo-angry rant is just an affectation, much like your film. Just a little obnoxious joke, really, also qualities shared by your flick. Because truth be told, your movie Irreversible is simply not powerful enough to even rile me up in the way a disgusting, offensive nightmare like City of God can. The truth is that I just don't really care.

[Second viewing: There's more substance here than I originally allotted credit for, but Gaspar Noé is still a sadist who all too often lets his sadistic impulses get the best of his film. Noé buries the substance beneath his unflinching, often vapid desire to alienate his audience at all costs and (unlike many people) Noé's formal chops don't impress me much; I find the "into the Rectum" opening sequence -- which numerous critics hail as masterful, dazzling, riveting cinema -- to be bombastic to the point of tedium, obstructive to the point of exasperation (as opposed to tension). It's a characteristic flaw that damages much of Irreversible.]

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