DREAMCATCHER (Lawrence Kasdan, 2003)

Reviewed: March 24th, 2003

Okay, I won't say you didn't encourage me. It was you Mike. It was you. You broke my heart. You broke my heart. Fine... perhaps I deserve a bit of the blame myself for winding up in this hideous coffin. Hats off to whoever cut Dreamcatcher's kick-ass trailer, a magician who gives David Blaine a solid run for his money, a guy or gal who miraculously managed to unearth two and a half minutes of footage from this debacle, that, taken in and of themselves, aren't abysmal. Searching for those decent two and a half minutes must have been akin to taking a scuba dive in Bermuda and stumbling upon Atlantis. Random thoughts: Remind me to spit in William Goldman's face if I ever see him on the street. This man has the god damn audacity to write an editorial in Variety with the express purpose of slagging Gangs of New York's (admittedly) poor script, and yet here we find -- once again -- his name on something infinitely worse (his last two scripts were the cloying slop Hearts in Atlantis and the unwatchable The General's Daughter). I can't even begin to describe to you how awful his writing is in Dreamcatcher; let's just say Goldman's humor hasn't advanced past puerile viagra gags yet. Perhaps if Goldman spent less time writing diatribes insulting his colleagues, and more time working on his fucking screenplays, things might of turned out better. Kasdan, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. What kind of incompetent motherfucker manages to not only waste the collected talents of Morgan Freeman, Thomas Jane, Tom Sizemore, Timothy Olyphant and Jason Lee, but manages to draw piss poor performances outta half of them as well? Mike claims this movie is memorably bad. Perhaps... if your current memory is culled entirely from your experiences at mattress stores. Why is our military wasting their time/money/energy with 2000 lbs. "bunker buster" bombs? Drop a fresh print of Dreamcatcher on Iraq and this war is over.

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