AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER (Jay Roach, 2002)

Reviewed: July 26, 2002

Let's be swift about this.

Personal History: At their respective release dates, enjoyed Austin Powers tremendously, Austin Powers 2 less so (though still a fair amount). Dutifully obtained both DVDs and have yet to insert them into my player.

Yes, It's True: The opening five minutes of Austin Powers In Goldmember are laugh-your-ass-off, w/bravura filmmaking to boot. Critics have been asked not to divulge why said minutes are laugh-your-ass-off, though any critic who would do so without being told not to deserves to be brutally mutilated by a band of neo-Nazis. Said minutes are also exciting as fuck and make me pray to the holy movie Gods it's only a short matter of time before director Jay Roach helms a balls-to-the-wall action flick.

Not Surprisingly: Said five minutes are also the best five minutes of the film (by a long, long, long shot) and it would hardly be a loss if you pay to see those five minutes, then leave the theater. My feelings on starting off with a bang are: fuck man, if you can't ever top your opening, push/save it for last. In Goldmember it's all downhill after the beginning.

The New Friends and Enemies: Blow chunks. Michael Caine as Austin's father is completely wasted. Beyonce Knowles has pizzazz but her character is worthless. Myers as the new villain Goldmember -- a balding Dutch man who eats his skin -- is slightly amusing, then also worthless. And as a villain, always worthless. Tons of missed opportunities here.

Comedy Cycle: Laughter (first five minutes) -> Sporadic Chuckling (half hour thereafter) -> Smile/Repulsed/Passive (rest of film).

Note: You couldn't pay me enough to endure another reel of Fat Bastard. All his screentime in Goldmember (save his momentary appearance at the end) consists of sickeningly unfunny, grotesque bathroom humor. I wanted to gag. Nauseating, horrible stuff.

Speaking of Which: There is waaaaaaaaay too much bathroom humor in Goldmember altogether. C'mon Mikey, that garbage should be beneath you by now.

Highlights: Once again involve Mini-Me. There's also a great [name of movie omitted to protect the innocent from spoilers] parody.

Production Design/FX: Are cheap as shit, and not in a campy, cheesy, charming sorta way. Considering Goldmember had an estimated budget of 63 million, I deem this inexcusable.

My Advice For Austin Powers 4 (which I hope is never made, though I fear is inevitable): For Christ's sake, make it a musical! The majority of my favorite sequences in Goldmember were the two or three musical ones. Fun, funny stuff.

Comparative Shopping: Instead of buying a ticket to Austin Powers In Goldmember (which in NYC will run you approximately $10) I would advise buying the inventive, wonderful and superior 1965 spy "spoof" Our Man Flint, recently released on DVD. It's selling at online retailers such as Amazon for a little over $11.

Oh did I forget to mention anything about the plot? Wait... there was a plot? Hmmm... ummm... besides a stupid Austin tries to reconcile with the father who neglected him storyline, plot has something to do with Austin foiling Goldmember/Dr. Evil's plot to crash an asteroid or a satellite or something into the Earth. Or something.

It's really time for Myers and Roach to permanently move on, focusing their ample talents elsewhere.

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