STAR WARS: EPISODE II - ATTACK OF THE CLONES (George Lucas, 2002)

Reviewed: May 20, 2002

Note: This review is laden with spoilers; read at your own risk if you haven't seen the film.

The Preface

I'm happy I waited until today, five days after I watched Attack of the Clones, to write this review. All movies need time to settle in. We need to digest them like a good, big meal -- particularly films that come with as much baggage as Attack of the Clones. If I'd written this review Thursday it'd have been a knee-jerk reaction: perhaps more passionate than what comes out now, but ultimately not as truthful. As the days drag forward, as the projections sputter light and then the lasers burn around and round the DVDs, our true, lasting feelings slowly rise to the surface.

The Exposition

George Lucas did not awaken me to the possibilities of cinema. I never regarded the original Star Wars trilogy as some kind of holy cinematic bible. I enjoy Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back very much. I recognize their importance. But they're definitely not my preferred cup of java (science fiction films rarely are).

When I walked out of The Phantom Menace on opening day in May 1999 I was not disappointed (probably because my expectations were not high) nor was I enthused. I had infinitely bigger anticipation priorities that year--mainly Eyes Wide Shut, Fight Club, Magnolia and Bringing Out the Dead--and I really didn't give a shit how well The Phantom Menace lived up to The Trilogy. I just wanted/expected what I got: a dumb, fun action film with awe-inspiring landscapes and visionary visual effects. I rewatched The Phantom Menace the night before I saw Attack of the Clones and my opinion on the movie has yet to change.

Pre-Beginnings

Walking into Attack of the Clones, my expectations were even lower than they were prior to Phantom Menace. While (as I just made clear) I do not share the seething contempt of many a rabid Star War fan viz. Menace/actually kinda dig the flick, I'm also the first to admit that even gauged by a somewhat lenient standard, Menace could be vastly improved upon. If nothing else, The Phantom Menace proves George Lucas doesn't have the foggiest how to draw solid performances out of talented actors and he can't write a great line of dialogue if the line assassinated his pet. Again, not flaws I particularly begrudged Menace, but granting Lucas one get outta jail free card per decade was plenty enough for me. I'd gotten my visionary SFX fix only three years previous to Clones and could easily have kept holding out until The Matrix Reloaded for another. Advance Clones reviews were mixed, with many big names panning the hell outta the film. Nevertheless, eternal cinematic optimist/undying cinematic completist/never one to miss a cultural movie phenomenon-er that I am, I decided I'd see Clones (on opening day, of course) but--since I wasn't too enthused--I also decided I wouldn't wait in line for seats more than forty-five minutes prior to showtime.

Beginnings

The first half hour of Attack of the Clones seemed quite promising. I'm a big believer in movies starting off with a bang, as Lucas seems to be also. The narrative drive fueling these opening thirty Attack minutes are clear and potent: Senator Amidala is in grave danger because someone is trying to kill her. She needs to be protected, a task which falls upon Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

But Immediate Problem Seeds

While Amidala is sleeping in her bedroom, her Jedi protectors are outside her room. They say they can "sense" when her life is in danger. This is no fun. This is not interesting. It decreases the unease of the situation, lending her an invincibility of sorts. Sure enough an attempt on her life is actually made. Some kind of poisonous insects are launched at her through what appeared to me to be cracks in her window (if so, that's ridiculous). Anakin turns his head. Obi: "I sensed it too!" They charge into her room.

Meanwhile, I had a more pressing concern. Why are all the windows in Coruscant of the floor-to-ceiling variety? The question is half rhetorical, of course-- I am well aware that the actual reason is so that Lucas and his ILM masters can expose the vast cityscape backgrounds teeming with life in as many shots as possible. But practically, it begins to feel a little unrealistic since the specific building in question houses Amidala, who people want dead. Particularly the fact that Amidala's bedroom itself has huge windows struck me as ludicrous. If my life is ever in danger I will most certainly be spending the majority of my time in a private screening room with no windows. Why give a potential attacker an upper hand?

Pinnacle

After the insect interlude is a spectacular chase through Coruscant's nightscape, a truly eye-popping, enthralling, balls-to-the-walls sequence which sadly represents the apex of Attack of the Clones (much like the pod-race was Menace's best footage). There is maybe nothing more disastrous than a film peaking in its first half hour. We're talking about the fundamental rules of filmmaking here: escalate and save the best for last. The fact that Lucas didn't realize the night chase is the best thing he had on his hands demonstrates a terminal lack of cinematic comprehension that spiders out, infesting much of the rest of Clones. I'm trying not to be too harsh, but the words type themselves.

King Lucas

However: thinking about Coruscant at night makes me want to hammer the #1 compliment I can hand Lucas. Every establishing shot in Attack of the Clones of a new city or a new planet or a new world blew me away. The few seconds these shots were held, I was transported far far away from a movie theater as only cinema at its most supreme can do. I could have probably watched these shots in a looped slideshow for two continuous hours, held in rapture by their power, like Van Gogh's finest hour. These shots confirmed again and again why despite Lucas' innumerable drawbacks as a filmmaker, he'll always deserve effusive praise for his visual talent. And why he'll always live on as one of The Movies' greatest luminaries. I can throw around phrases like "terminal lack of comprehension" from the safety and comfort of my bedroom, but the fact remains that I am nobody and Lucas is a master innovator, one of the most important somebodys of the last century.

The Great Divide

After Coruscant's chase, Attack of the Clones falls into a narrative abyss it never recovers from. Essentially there are two storylines going on simultaneously:

1) The Anakin/Amidala Love Story.
2) The Obi-Wan-as-Detective Story.

The Love Story

I'll be brief: it sucks ass. It's not remotely believable. I was expecting the worst and I got the worst. I don't buy Amidala would fall for Anakin. He didn't grate on me as much as some people I know, but he's annoying and fairly vapid. The heart of the love story's problem is, of course, how terribly (often laugh-out-loud) written it is, thus rendering Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman helpless amidst its clutches. Or as my friend said: "It's as if all the actors in Attack of the Clones are engaged in a duel to the death with hideous dialogue." Indeed, and I don't think anyone beats the dialogue (the new-to-Star Wars addition of co-screenwriter Jonathan Hales doesn't improve a fucking thing -- it's as if all he did is sit around and make sure Lucas' words are as bad as ever), but Portman fairs the worst of the bunch (just as she did in Menace) and Ian McDiarmid (as Senator Palpatine) fairs the best. I must also admit that when all is said and done Hayden Christensen did a much better job than I expected. The two strongest human moments of Clones both belong to/are well carried by Christensen:

(1) Anakin's discussion of slaughtering the Tusken village of Sandpeople who killed his mother (where Lucas proves what a coward he is by having Anakin tell us instead of showing us).
(2) Anakin's mother's funeral.

They made me believe that given a great script Hayden could have done something special.

Another huge problem with the love story is how isolated (story-wise) it is. After Amidala leaves Coruscant she's never in any danger until the last thirty or forty minutes. That's over an hour of flatness. Lucas took the fuel he had with threats against Senator Amidala and flushed it down the toilet in favor of weak, trite, sappy garbage.

The Detective Story

This strand starts a little draggy (before Obi-Wan leaves Coruscant), then heats up, then peters back out. I like how Obi-Wan kind of stumbles upon the Clones army and Jango Fett and is effortlessly privy to information he shouldn't be getting. I like Obi-Wan's battle with Jango (though it's far too short).

(PS aside: Did ILM copy and paste the super advanced robots of the final act of A.I. to create the inhabitants of Kamino (the "lost" planet where Jango lives)? Their character designs are very similar......... Though wait, now I'm remembering I also noticed the design in The Phantom Menace in a particular scene, so perhaps ILM originally copied and pasted them into A.I., and not vice versa?)

In general, the way I felt during the long middle act of Clones was: "Alright, fine. I'll put up with this stuff because I've heard the final half hour is so kick-ass. I don't hate what I'm seeing but it's pretty boring."

The Final Act Beginning With The Coliseum Stuff

I finally all but gave up on Attack of the Clones once I began to see what I'd been waiting for. The coliseum sequences are a catastrophic letdown, even if I hadn't heard highly positive words. The monsters are neither arresting nor scary. Furthermore, when the real fighting gets underway with light sabers and all, it's bland as hell. Attack, light saber counterattack, attack, light saber counterattack, attack, light saber counterattack, repeat ad nauseum. Where is the spice? The Star Wars juice? Yawn.

Plus, to make a bad situation even worse, Lucas maintains a juvenile insistence on offsetting any tiny morsel of tension or drama he has somehow (miraculously) managed to create, by obnoxious stabs at atrociously lame humor. Such as: Amidala escapes from her chains and starts fighting. Cut to one of her captors saying: "Shoot her... or something!" Harty-fucking-har.

Once Lucas opens the proceedings up to outside the coliseum, things do improve, but not by much. First problem is out of all the breathtaking landscapes Lucas created in Clones why the fuck did he choose the only deadly deadly boring one to stage the climatic battle in? It's a puke-tan desert expanse of nothingness. As one of my friends said: "I have tons of video games with far more interesting landscapes than that." Then the actual battle is tepid and far too brief. Another huge letdown in my book.

Yoda In Action

Yes, Yoda wielding his light saber is amazingly, amazingly cool. For thirty-five seconds I nearly forgave Clones all its flaws. But... that's all this fucking sequence is! About half a minute. Talk about shortchanging the audience! I put up with dull-ass love story shit and snoresville talk of separatist movements and Senate votes for this payoff?! Come on Lucas, you cheap bastard! Don't skimp on the Yoda fight! It's the greatest gift you have to offer us and you know it!

Not to mention: those thirty-five seconds would have been lots cooler if Count Dooku had been established as a remotely interesting villain. I did not fear him and I was not impressed by him. So why would I invest concern?

Which best sums up my feelings on Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones as a whole. I went in wanting to love this film. But by the time those end credits were rolling I just didn't care anymore.

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